Friday, September 26, 2008
Mending the Path
I walk the path we built together alone, the view in front of me is foreign and unknown now but I keep going. Maybe there's a trace of you here left for me to find and if you happen to wander down this road again you'll find me but I can no longer see what's ahead. This is our story, our imperfect and disfigured woven street. Who takes care of this road now? I pull weeds from the side, sweep the patches of pavement, and lay down cement where cracks had formed. You used to work and walk beside me, now you call this a broken street. It needs time to heal you say, well I'm here and picking up the shattered pieces that formed during the earthquakes others threw at us. You said you would never let an outside force have a negative impact, but this time I dropped a bomb on the road. So here I stand, here I pace, here I walk. I look for the broken pieces to mend, the cluttered forgotten areas to clear up, but it's not the same. Walk with me a while and the path in front of us will clear up. Maybe you will never return to the point of my destruction but if you can find it within yourself to let it hurt for a while, the smoother part is waiting for you on the other side.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Fire and Links
Earlier I was sitting around watching tv, basically doing nothing, when all of a sudden I had this incredible urge to play with fire. It came really out of nowhere too, I mean I had just been watching Titanic with my mom and now I wanted manipulate flames? Fire represents passion, energy, aggression...not sappy love stories with mommy. But my mom had long gone to bed at this point so I figured hey, why not go give into my current craving. So I went upstairs and lit a whole bunch of candles and sat there staring at them for a while, wondering what it was I wanted to do because I wasn't sure why I was being drawn to them in the first place. So I'm sort of stare at the desk for a while, move all the candles around into one place and make this one giant fire out of it basically. Then I did something pretty stupid and put my hands above the candles and yeah, it hurt a lot. But then my hands were extremely hot and I figured why not use the energy while I'm still holding onto it? I back away from the candles and stand on the other side of my room, using my fingers as human candles. They burst into flames and I began shooting fireballs all over the room, turning it into my own miniature version of hell, and I feel like the devil.
Then I start thinking about my fiance and how passionate I am about her, and moments later she calls me to tell me she's extremely angry and wants to seek revenge on a former friend of ours. Now my fiance is the sweetest girl I know, but when she gets angry she flares up and attacks. Basically...you don't get in her way at this point because she's most likely out to destroy you. And I'm thinking to myself how my very sudden thought of her brought on a phone call, which only happens with people you're linked with, or have a very close bond with. I realized then that my intense and very random urge to manipulate fire was directly linked with her intense anger and desire to destroy a person. Her thoughts and feelings matched my wants and actions and vice versa. So there's a pretty good example of what it's like to be linked to someone. And playing with fire is always fun too.
Then I start thinking about my fiance and how passionate I am about her, and moments later she calls me to tell me she's extremely angry and wants to seek revenge on a former friend of ours. Now my fiance is the sweetest girl I know, but when she gets angry she flares up and attacks. Basically...you don't get in her way at this point because she's most likely out to destroy you. And I'm thinking to myself how my very sudden thought of her brought on a phone call, which only happens with people you're linked with, or have a very close bond with. I realized then that my intense and very random urge to manipulate fire was directly linked with her intense anger and desire to destroy a person. Her thoughts and feelings matched my wants and actions and vice versa. So there's a pretty good example of what it's like to be linked to someone. And playing with fire is always fun too.
Friday, September 5, 2008
A Brief Encounter
I thought I was floating above the earth last night, only when I noticed the sun's reflection did I realize I was actually standing on a sheet of glass so large I could not find the edges. I wondered, why am I being blocked from my home? What is the purpose behind this wall? I sat down and looked through the glass, watching the world turn and the people with it. I watched the clouds, the storms, the calm, the oceans...such a busy planet. I observed for a while and then realized the wall was to keep me from focusing on all of that for a moment. I turned to looked towards the sun. The white light was not so intense at this time of day that it hurt my eyes, but it was still quite a magnificent glow and it warmed me inside and out. I stretched out upon the glass and soaked up its energy, letting it run in and out of my body, cleansing it of all the negative energy that comes with such a hectic lifestyle. Calm, I thought, remember to keep calm. That is how you will beat the stress.
Above me a figure emerged from the light. An angel with light blue wings flew down to rest beside me. She did as I did, soaked up the sun, though I don't believe she needed it, I think she merely came to visit me. I turned to her and asked, "What makes me so special that I am blessed with the presence of an angel tonight?" She replied with one word. "Nothing." And then she left.
Nothing? I thought of my recent obsession with angels. Did I just want to see one so badly that I did? I knew I was in a dreamlike state. This was my favorite kind of meditation...the kind where my soul wanders off on its own and leaves me to just experience its adventures in my mind. It gave me more space to think, and took less effort since all I had to do was watch, feel, and experience. A daydream you may wish to call it. It is best not to escape the world, but every now and then it's good to take a break. Angels last night...what a treat. :)
Above me a figure emerged from the light. An angel with light blue wings flew down to rest beside me. She did as I did, soaked up the sun, though I don't believe she needed it, I think she merely came to visit me. I turned to her and asked, "What makes me so special that I am blessed with the presence of an angel tonight?" She replied with one word. "Nothing." And then she left.
Nothing? I thought of my recent obsession with angels. Did I just want to see one so badly that I did? I knew I was in a dreamlike state. This was my favorite kind of meditation...the kind where my soul wanders off on its own and leaves me to just experience its adventures in my mind. It gave me more space to think, and took less effort since all I had to do was watch, feel, and experience. A daydream you may wish to call it. It is best not to escape the world, but every now and then it's good to take a break. Angels last night...what a treat. :)
Monday, September 1, 2008
Visual Meditation
One thing that is very helpful to do after meditating is to write down your experiences. Now I would like you to be aware that I have been meditating for many years now, but over the past 6 months or so I have fallen out of habit of doing it regularly or for very long. My hour or two sessions became more like half an hour, then maybe 15 minutes, and in the past couple months not at all. I stopped completely. I am not sure how or why this happened but none the less, it did, and it began to have a negative effect on my relationship with my girlfriend and my overall happiness and stability. (Meditation is one the aforementioned things in my previous blog that I wanted to begin doing again.)
Now the practical thing to do since I haven't meditated in quite some time would have been to start out slow, only spend maybe 10 or 15 minutes concentrating on my breath. That was my goal when I started, but I had so much energy built up inside that I needed to release that it started flowing out much quicker and intensely than I had anticipated, so I turned on my iTunes and set my entire library on shuffle, closed my eyes and began to focus on color movement. I had an instrumental piece play first, so I took advantage of that time to relax my body and enter a more relaxed state than I had been in when I had just been focusing on breathing and counting. By the time I was done with that I realized Missy Higgins was playing. It was a calm song, a tad bit sad, and I saw many shades of blue and torquoise, slowly fading in and out and changing between the colors. The next song to play was White Lies by Ron Pope. The color variation here was minimal, shades of whites and grays, very little movement, a solid visual overall. It too was a calm song, quite relaxing, and did not provoke any negative thoughts or feelings. Next came a very different song, Taking Over Me by Evanescense. Probably not the best song to have playing while meditating but I take all songs as they come at me so I kept my eyes closed and let the visuals come to me. There were two very contrasting and dominant colors in this visual, them being dark reds and greens. They were spiraling downward as the song played and every now and then became too intense and I would have to whipe the slate clean and start over. I did not like this very much and was happy when the song was over. After that an acousitc version of Never Alone by Barlowgirl began to play and this time I felt as if I was floating through a bright and cloudy sky as there were many shades of white and blue. It was very warming and a very refreshing experience after my previous one.
I stopped the player after this song and sat in silence. I could hear crickets outside my window and the sound of the TV coming from downstairs. I let those sounds come and pass, just let them be and focused on my body. I was very aware of the heat in my hands, especially my right hand. They felt very heavy but I lifted them up and put them next to each other in a prayer like state, but did not have them touch. The energy in between both palms was incredibly intense and I let it flow out through my fingertips. After this I felt very drained and lay down for a bit, not thinking, not moving, just resting. I decided to end the meditation and stretch, just to make sure I realigned my body and got all the energy out that I needed to and sat for a while in reflection.
The whole process took more like an hour rather than 10 minutes, which was ok with me, I have no other plans for the evening. I thought about Claire and how before meditating I had been worried I was causing negativity in our relationship over the past week or so. I feel now that I have cleansed my mind of this worry, and that if it ever comes to rise again I know now how to fix it. So I am looking forward to her getting off work so that I can speak to her cheerfully, rather than in the worried state I had been in earlier. I thought about the other things in my life that had been making me nervous like my appoinment tomorrow and starting class on Wednesday, and rather than being overstimulated by the excitement, I felt calm...just as I had hoped to feel. I realized after my meditation that this was one of the major things in my life I had been needing to do that I hadn't been, in order to maintain my identity. I will continue to write more on this subject and my experiences. For now I am going to watch some TV, read a little, and just relax for the rest of the evening.
Now the practical thing to do since I haven't meditated in quite some time would have been to start out slow, only spend maybe 10 or 15 minutes concentrating on my breath. That was my goal when I started, but I had so much energy built up inside that I needed to release that it started flowing out much quicker and intensely than I had anticipated, so I turned on my iTunes and set my entire library on shuffle, closed my eyes and began to focus on color movement. I had an instrumental piece play first, so I took advantage of that time to relax my body and enter a more relaxed state than I had been in when I had just been focusing on breathing and counting. By the time I was done with that I realized Missy Higgins was playing. It was a calm song, a tad bit sad, and I saw many shades of blue and torquoise, slowly fading in and out and changing between the colors. The next song to play was White Lies by Ron Pope. The color variation here was minimal, shades of whites and grays, very little movement, a solid visual overall. It too was a calm song, quite relaxing, and did not provoke any negative thoughts or feelings. Next came a very different song, Taking Over Me by Evanescense. Probably not the best song to have playing while meditating but I take all songs as they come at me so I kept my eyes closed and let the visuals come to me. There were two very contrasting and dominant colors in this visual, them being dark reds and greens. They were spiraling downward as the song played and every now and then became too intense and I would have to whipe the slate clean and start over. I did not like this very much and was happy when the song was over. After that an acousitc version of Never Alone by Barlowgirl began to play and this time I felt as if I was floating through a bright and cloudy sky as there were many shades of white and blue. It was very warming and a very refreshing experience after my previous one.
I stopped the player after this song and sat in silence. I could hear crickets outside my window and the sound of the TV coming from downstairs. I let those sounds come and pass, just let them be and focused on my body. I was very aware of the heat in my hands, especially my right hand. They felt very heavy but I lifted them up and put them next to each other in a prayer like state, but did not have them touch. The energy in between both palms was incredibly intense and I let it flow out through my fingertips. After this I felt very drained and lay down for a bit, not thinking, not moving, just resting. I decided to end the meditation and stretch, just to make sure I realigned my body and got all the energy out that I needed to and sat for a while in reflection.
The whole process took more like an hour rather than 10 minutes, which was ok with me, I have no other plans for the evening. I thought about Claire and how before meditating I had been worried I was causing negativity in our relationship over the past week or so. I feel now that I have cleansed my mind of this worry, and that if it ever comes to rise again I know now how to fix it. So I am looking forward to her getting off work so that I can speak to her cheerfully, rather than in the worried state I had been in earlier. I thought about the other things in my life that had been making me nervous like my appoinment tomorrow and starting class on Wednesday, and rather than being overstimulated by the excitement, I felt calm...just as I had hoped to feel. I realized after my meditation that this was one of the major things in my life I had been needing to do that I hadn't been, in order to maintain my identity. I will continue to write more on this subject and my experiences. For now I am going to watch some TV, read a little, and just relax for the rest of the evening.
Introduction
Lately I have forgotten who I am, and I've started this blog to remember. I used to write a lot, I used to mediate more, read more. I used to spend a lot of time outdoors, I enjoyed walking and hiking and sitting down by the lake. I was a thinker, not a worrier. I was calm and collected and lately I have been controlling and worrisome. My goal is to get back into the things that made me who I was before I let love consume my life. Love is a wonderful thing and it opens your eyes to how you can be better, but if you let it take over you can lose sight of yourself. Hence the saying, love is blind. And it had made me blind. But now I don't respect myself and I would feel better if I could do that again. I wish I knew how I got to this point...this place where I feel like I need to rewind and start over again. But if I can find that calm in me, that nonjudgmental, non controlling lovable guy I used to be, maybe I can be happy again. That's what this blog is for. To get my thoughts out so that I can remember.
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